Internal Patterns to External Patterns

 I remember feeling humiliated after I thought I was advocating for others. I remember burning bridges of connection after advocating for others. After the confrontation. After voicing truth.

This was in my late teens, in a university year where I wanted the senior class to stop bitching about each other and own their differences and confront themselves because its so easy to just get over themselves and make peace?

Then again my inner social justice warrior observed the "injustice" from the management level of a school in a foreign land and I thought speaking up to them for my classmates because I was so right and I was seeing the truth and it was so easy to fix. One email sent with an effort to express the feelings of the class, where the course was lacking and we needed help, was going to make things better and solve the problems while there was still time. Nope, instead I burnt bridges.

Expressing and confronting truth atleast my own and the uncomfortable ignorances of the human experience rarely do solve and bring connection or nurture it. What values must you uphold as true inorder to connect while your swimming in discomfort that can be solved with the right folk.

My grandiosity of thinking that I could be a voice for others or I could solve an external problem that I see fixable and crazy- points out to where I divert my energy and always get burned.

Even in friendships I held so much value towards, burned. Distance created by direct truth confrontation. 

Seeing the truth, holding the truth and creating safe connection all simultaneuosly seem to be distant dreams.

How Naive can I be to expect someone to meet me where I am in my consciousness when I shed light to Shadows.

I was told that it's obviously not okay to speak for others, I shouldnt have done that. Like it was common sense.

I was told that I was very "brave" to send that email. I couldnt see the logic at all.

But the aftermath of human behaviour and the cost of it atleast in my own energy and interpretation of reality and the cycles of loss, abandonment, grief and embarasment. The illusion that everyone sort of hates me. The fact that I am disgusting? untouchable? whiny? controlling? problematic? power hungry? 

But mainly controling and not fully understanding the social stigma that comes from confrontational communication. It burns bridges period. 

Noone likes to be told that they are wrong. No one likes to be pointed out insufficient behaviours, noone likes to be told that they are not meeting needs.

At least, within a couple's dynamic, there's a solution to this misalignment between two people- it's a break-up.

Go your own way with your tail between your legs, lick your wounds, find your self-respect and try again with someone else. After you know you tried your best to beg, plead and negotiate the relationship.

But with friendships and with a bigger community. there is isolation and a social stigma and worst case your treated as an exile or ostracism, banishment, exclusion, pariah status, and isolation

The result of that is me taking in my environment like a monkey, wanting and seeing things outside to harness for myself. behaviours, fashion, personality traits. because I hate myself? what am I exactly? who am I? how am I? When no one is looking? an uncaring, resentful human being that is corroding on the inside when i am not acting as my friendly responsible self.

Where is my playful self when was the last time i played without needing to give anything i dont want to in exchange? When was the last time my own presence was enough without a transaction without being needed for a favour?

Why dont i understand that my attention is precious.
Who am I now? tour guide? Waitress? art(something)ist? 

What broke my identity? the trying to fix people or situations around me that arent really mine to fix? What is mine to fix? What am I truly responsible for in my life? My sleep, my food, my regulated feeling self. My clarity of thought and whatever guards it. My peace my time. My sense of agency and freedom. 

My contribution to another's life fro a place of love and not obligation. My health. My focus. My sense of self. 

What is my sense of self? My preferences? My time with who I want to spend it with. My home and environment and its organization. My nails. my bathing time. My clothes, my colour palette, my relaxed silhouettes my character design. 

My Character Design. How would I design Karen. a 35 year old woman, from Mumbai, who immigrated to Rome. To live her life escaping responsibilityies thrown at her with force that are not her problem and shes learning how to say that's not my problem. She is resiliant, she is caring and attentive. She is realizing when her energy is abused, she is sensitive and she loves details that have story. 

She herself is beautiful, has great skin. Has a strange love hate dynamic with her hair and its natural beauty. She is conflicted about what is natural and what is not. How much to change as a character and how much to show up as her pure self. She is vulnerable and unaware that sometimes she forces it to create intimacy. So she is lonely and doesnt know how to naturally connect in a guarded way. She loves connection. And her energy flows when there is connection especially when its not forced. 

She is confused about her capacity and her body sometimes needs more time to catch up where her emotions settle and her mind too. Safe and unsafe are fused in her experiences so she needs an armour untill she can fully soften.

Right now I need a base to build from for a 35 year old who is single, functional, chic, natural, spark of sexy acents, artist and story in jewelley and nails have some funk.  The base needs to be a color coded uniform that reduces decisons. 


Cavour, Roma 13th May 2026